Are you taking others' needs into account?

Sounds like a basic question, right? Consider others--okay, I've got it. But take an honest look at yourself and ask how you do in the moment?

Say what you will--we are predisposed to thinking along one pattern of thought--our own. The one that has been growing and developing within us mostly unconsciously. The one that's been shaped not only by our thoughts and experiences, but by that on which we place value. On those we surround ourselves with. On the television programs you've been watching. On last week's sermon.

So, scale of one to ten, how good are you at taking others' needs into account? Five? Six? Two?

Let's skip the easy rhetoric of "we just think differently" and "we have different ways of looking at things." It's true--we do experience these differences. The question is, what are you going to do about them?

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Some time ago, my fiancee and I were cleaning the house to prepare for a showing. It's no secret that we work differently. I'm more of a go-where-the-flow-takes-me kind of cleaner and organizer, while she's a thorough completionist. She had asked if we could work together, moving from one room to another and finishing each one to completion. That way, we wouldn't have six half-finished rooms (we ended up finishing three and getting close on a fourth). She had also been talking about the difficulties of letting go of the house, the struggles she'd been having with stress and feeling overwhelmed, and a sort of crushing fear of the future.

I heard all of this. I promise you, I did. All of the pieces of the puzzle were right in front of me. However, I still somehow managed to wander off into other rooms and work on "big" items. Moving furniture. Relocating all of the tools to the basement. Clearing some open space in the same basement. I figured, the greater net work that was done (moving large items, clearing large spaces for the greatest overall change), the greater alleviation of the stress that was taxing her energies.

But I wasn't listening--not to her, anyway. Not that I was hearing what I wanted to hear--rather, I was hearing what I have learned to hear over the years. I understood the root problem--overall stress--but I mistook the solution--an overall cleaner house. I was doing what I thought was best, even though we had discussed it beforehand, and even though I had agreed to do the one-room-at-a-time thing.

Tensions grew as she had to reign me back in over and over, and okay, I started to get it. Sort of. Like, I knew we had talked about it and agreed that was the plan. But I was having a hard time being the target of frustration when, from what I could see, I was just doing my best to help out. And yeah, I was getting sidetracked by my way of doing things--but didn't that ultimately mean that her frustration was directed at a little piece of who I was? Could it be that she didn't in fact like this part of me? Were we less compatible than I thought?

I tried to voice this. I said "I'm trying. It's hard for me to work in this method that doesn't jive with my typical working style. Yes I know we agreed, and I know I'm at fault and I keep messing up, but I'm here now. What more do you want from me?"

Got it figured out? You may have guessed it--she wanted me. She wanted me by her side as a comfort while she dealt with all of these feelings. She needed me to be her companion and to work alongside her--again, not because she needed my help... because she needed... me.

What a sobering realization. What a blindside, having thought that I knew what was going on. What a frustration for her that I hadn't gotten it. That I wasn't there for her in the way that she needed.

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I was looking at the situation through my own lens and my own interpretation. I was offering what I thought was my best work. But I wasn't looking at it through her eyes. I wasn't taking her needs into account.

Do you find yourself doing this?

It happens more often than we realize. I'd venture to say we do this nearly all the time--it just doesn't always cause this sort of friction. Sometimes, even, our understanding of a situation might align with the viewpoints of our coworkers, our bosses, our friends and family. But that's just it--even if you're thinking the same thing, is that because you're intentionally eschewing bias and giving  your full attention, or are you just doing your own thing anyway and assuming it will all work out because nothing is indicating otherwise?

Get out of your head this week. Try to see things from the other person's point of view. I figure, you'll save yourself a few key misunderstandings, and maybe, just maybe, you'll find your connections growing just that much stronger.

Here's to the journey--here's to building the better world.